Five Heartbeats I: Pretending
by we'll wait for our miracles
Summary: I don't need to give you more of a reason to hate me, to leave Sohma House. No, you've got enough of those reasons and I've given you them all. But I like to pretend it's because you're just too afraid to get close. Hatori/Male!Akito.


Author's Notes!

hahaha...yeah...so jack went on a bit of a vacation.

i got a new computer, had writer's block, started having a life and never being at home...yeah, dude, it's killer.

well, for valentine's day i've decided to do five themed fics. this one is male!akito x hatori, the theme being obsession. i'm quite happy with how this turned out, too. :) it's T because it isn't bad at -all- for one of my fics xD and! this is a prequel to my fic Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

the others are:

-smut;; sebastian x ciel [kuroshitsuji]

-rape;; seimei x ritsuka [loveless]

-horror;; BB x L [death note]

-fluff;; joshua x neku [the world ends with you]

and! i'm also taking requests now, so if you want something, send out an email to or an aim message to clockworkxclouds. :)

Baku: Wise man say "If you are what you eat, then Akito is meat". Also, I'm taking requests too. Email with the subject 'Baku Request' or send an AIM to rappe cultblut.

now read up!

Disclaimer!

oh shit, son. i don't own fruit's basket.

* * *

There's always been a poem that reminded me of you, Hatori-san.

I bet you've never noticed me watching you. You've seen me hiding behind books or in gardens plenty of times, but you've never caught what I've really been doing. Watching you. You've never noticed the way I look at you. Perhaps I've mastered the technique of hiding my true emotions. Perhaps you've just become a god at ignoring how people feel.

Maybye I'm afraid to let you know how I feel. Ah, let's rephrase that. I'm more than afraid to tell you how I feel. I'm petrified. I don't need to give you more of a reason to hate me, to leave Sohma House. No, you've got enough of those reasons and I've given you them all.

But I like to pretend it's because you're just too afraid to get close.

Today is another day of watching you. Another day of acting. Today's is laying on the porch, catching some sun...but it's only because you're sitting outside with Shigure-san. For a brief moment I wonder, 'Why is it that Hatori never looks happy?' But I quickly remember. I remember that it's because I took your happiness away from you. I made her forget, which is something that I know you'll never forgive me for.

Ah yes, that poem. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind by Alexander Pope.

Maybe one day I'll break the curse. I'll finally put the others before myself, put you before myself, and make them all happy. I'll free them of their chains and hope someone, anyone, will stay with me. It's a petty wish, something pathetic, really, and I know it's a wish that will never come true. Is it really too much for me to ask for something more than loneliness?

And I like to pretend that if I did that, you would stay.

What are you and Shigure-san talking about? It must be interesting enough, but, then again, that dog does laught at everything, doesn't he? I let my eyes drift to the clouds as I see yours start to turn towards me. Yes, that's right, Ha'ri-san. Just continue to think I'm ignoring you. Please, just assume I'm thinking horrid, cruel things about you. You don't need to know that I don't think of much besides you. It'd be better if you didn't know that the thing I want so badly is just to forget all about you. Just like Kana.

The first line of the poem goes, /"How happy is the blameless vestal's lot?"/

Maybe one day, everyone will forgive me. They'll all turn the other cheek and say, "No, it's okay, Akito-san, we understand. We forgive you." Would they, though, even if I told them why I did these things? I know I shouldn't keep people all to myself just because I can, but I'm alone, so I do. False comfort is better than no comfort at all. I shouldnt't hurt the one person I truly care about, you, Hatori, but I do because I would rather have you here and miserable than away from me and happy.

So I just pretend that you would forgive me, too.

There goes that damn dog, laughing again. You couldn't imagine the things I would do tobe that close to you, Hatori. To be able to be trusted by you. To be close to you. Even friends would be enough. I don't ever want you to know my true feelings. I don't need to cause even more of a disaster. Pay attention to your friends, to the cherry blossoms, to the beautiful sunset. Pay attention to everything but me.

Next, /"The world forgetting, by the world forgot."/

Maybe one day I can get the courage to ask you to erase my memories. I'll even tell you why, tell you that I've been hopelessly, pathetically in love with you for years. Maybe then you'll do it. You'll be so disgusted, so appalled, that you'll do it without any fuss. I bet if I canget a new start, I'll be able to be nice. I'll be the person I've always wanted to be.

And I pretend that you'd like the person I'd become.

Oh, what's this? Shigure's leaving? Shame, he didn't stay as long as he usually does. I like it better this way, though. Watching you isn't nearly as enjoyable when there are other people around. I only want to see you. I just want to watch the wind rustle the hair in your face. I want to spend a lazy summer day like today with you. I want to bask in your scent, that scent of you that's always mixed with smoke. Damn you, Hatori. Damn you for becoming a doctor. Damn you for deciding it was your job to take care of me. Most of all, damn you for making me fall in love with you.

The third line is the title, /"Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind,"/

Maybe, just maybe, one day, you'll understand how I feel. You'll find out that I love you and you won't be mad, won't be upset, nothing. You'll just understand. You'll say, "Oh," and everything will just fall into place for you. You'll accept it, forgive me, and then everything will be okay. I've never felt that feeling and I've always wanted to. For everything to just be okay. It wouldn't have to be perfect, just okay. Just for some stability. Just for a little bit of happiness.

When I think of this, I pretend that you would love me too.

What are you doing now, Hatori? You've spotted me. You're watching me. You've gotten up, out of your comfort zone, and you're walking over here. No, stop that. Get away from me. You aren't happy near me. I only bring you unhappiness. I don't know what the hell you're thinking by walking over here, but you're unpredictability has always made me love you more. You're a sensible man,a logical man, but sometimes I never know what you're going to do. It worries me and excites me all at the same time. I didn't know I could feel such emotions, Hatori, and I can't feel them for anyone but you. It's so trivial, but it happens all the time.

Last, /"Each prayer accepted and each wish resigned."/

Maybe one day, if a miracle ever happens, everything will end up perfectly. I'll finally be able to tell you that I love you, that I've loved you for so long. The reasons I hurt Kana and the reasons I kept everyone on such short chains. Everyone will understand, you'll understand, and you'll love me. We could be together, happy, and I could break the curse. I wouldn't be dying, wouldn't be unhappy, none of it. I would just be happy. We would be happy together.

I don't pretend about this happening because when I do, it only makes me cry.

"Are you feeling alright today, Akito-san?"

I don't want to answer, but I do. Hearing your voice, so low and soft, sends shivers down my spine, and you have no clue that it does. Just the way I want it to be.

"More or less..."

Please, just go on. I'm already hurting from thinking too much, Hatori. Being near you is only making me hurt worse.

But then again, I deserve to hurt.

"Can I get you anything?"

Yes, Hatori. You can get me a noose. It seems to be the only cure I can think of for this broken heart.

Hush now, deserve this. You'll take this.

"No, that won't be necessary."

Why are you doing this, Ha'ri? Do you want to make me hurt more? I bet you know what this does to me. You want to rub salt in these wounds of mine, make my life a little bit more hellish before I die, don't you?

"When I was with Shigure-san I noticed you looked lonely. Mind if I join you?"

I don't know what's wrong with me today.

"Not at all."

Because right now, I should be storming inside and slamming the door in your face. I should be doing what's better for you.

"I would actually quite enjoy that, Ha'ri-san..."

But I've never known how not to be greedy.

-fin-


End file.
